I’m trying to relax. I’m trying to breathe. I’m trying not to lose it. But it’s hard. Nausea is increasing this morning.

The silly little games we do increase my problem. I understand the purpose, but here at the beginning, they are trying to break through my castle walls that have been erected in my heart to help stop the hurt. When these anxiety attacks happen, I want to shut down and shut out the outside world, which is the source of the hurt. While I’m adjusting, the walls are high and thick and I don’t like to be cooperative … that would mean collaborating with what is hurting me.

It’s self-protection while I adjust. I understand the process, but it is really agonizing to go through. The flight mechanism kicks in and I want to flee back home. It’s been the same way for over 36 years; I don’t like to be forced to do things away from home.

It would be nice to be normal …