Today’s posts are simply going to be whining sessions. Forgive me, but this is all the therapy I can get while I’m sitting in class and keep my cool.

My fatigue level is high suddenly. Nauseated. Fatigued. Anxiety-ridden. I’m a mess and I need to whine about it. Nothing wrong with that. Everybody needs to whine.

The main fear I had when considering whether to attempt to restart grad school was, ironically, not the anxiety; I expected that and it will go away. The big fear is physical … fatigue and arthritis and the side effects from the chemotherapy I’m taking for the arthritis, which induces more fatigue and nausea. Can I keep up with the pace? I have to pace myself and get plenty of rest. There will be times when I have to be less than perfect. And I’ll have to accept that and forgive myself.

And that will be hard; I’m pretty angry with myself right now.

I’m trying to relax. I’m trying to breathe. I’m trying not to lose it. But it’s hard. Nausea is increasing this morning.

The silly little games we do increase my problem. I understand the purpose, but here at the beginning, they are trying to break through my castle walls that have been erected in my heart to help stop the hurt. When these anxiety attacks happen, I want to shut down and shut out the outside world, which is the source of the hurt. While I’m adjusting, the walls are high and thick and I don’t like to be cooperative … that would mean collaborating with what is hurting me.

It’s self-protection while I adjust. I understand the process, but it is really agonizing to go through. The flight mechanism kicks in and I want to flee back home. It’s been the same way for over 36 years; I don’t like to be forced to do things away from home.

It would be nice to be normal …

Not as unpleasant, though, as that afternoon a week or so after I’d first moved here and got lost walking down Madison trying to find the main branch of the Ann Arbor District Library. Which tells me that either (a) that afternoon was unusually humid or (b) I’ve finally acclimated to the muggy summers. We’ll see — many more hot and muggy days to come to test out the hypothesis.