I have nothing to say. On paper. Probably in person. Mute all my life except brief bursts of productivity. Newspaper/school PR work 1088=1994. Northpoint Communications internal PR 1998-2000. That’s work. But what can I write personally? There’s a story about eternal life I’ve worked on for years. Another book about plane crashes— midairs this time. That’s it.
I don’t need immortality. No problem with dying. Just want to express … something.
I am Salieri (in Mozart). Many loved Mozart, wanted to be him. No one wanted to be Salieri, especially not the one in the movie. I would love to be even that good. Be at least the patron saint of mediocrity. I loved that line. Of all I remember of Amadeus, that’s the line.
I’m a jack of all trades, master of none. It’s my epitaph, along with “Yet Another Patron Saint of Mediocrity.”
No problem doing a variety of things through life. I am not just one thing. But it would have been nice to be good, even great, at one thing during a lifetime.
“The potential for greatness lives within each of us,” said American track star and Olympic medalist Wilma Rudolph
Well, it might live there within us, but it rarely goes from potential to actual greatness. Especially in folks like me. Or in 99.99% of us.
I’m the “Incredibly Average Vernon Persons” from M*A*S*H, the hometown mediocrity who was always in the newspaper from Hawkeye’s Crabapple Cove. Hawkeye hated that guy. Except I don’t get even Vernon Parson’s recognition (Not that I need it-I just want to do anything that would would be worthy of anyone’s notice. I’m not even average and recognized. Just average.
In a majority of deaf, dumb, blind, scentless, touchless people often incapable of feeling even adequate in life.
So yes, without hearing, sight, taste, touch, smell. That’s me.
I don’t want to “just feel something.” I feel too much already, but I don’t feel with greatness. I don’t feel anything of greatness.
“Excellence is not a skill. It is an attitude,” said writer and entrepreneur Ralph Marston, who is probably incredibly average, but gets quoted in books.
Excellence is attitude? No, it means actually excelling at something. Actually doing it.
I’m not competitive. I don’t have to be the “best” at something. Best whatever is often fabricated, artificial.
I hate competition, actually. And “excellence” is subjective as hell. Just as one man’s trash is another man’s treasure, so too is it that one man’s “Excellent Best” is another man’s “You suck.”
Which puts me on another old man tangent: To us gays, “You suck” is a compliment not an insult. Yes, I suck, but I also SUCK. It’s fabulous. But to straight boys, it’s the feminine role, it’s submissive. And real straight boys don’t do that, they believe.
I seriously don’t understand straight guys. They’re kinda filthy all the time. Now I’ve met a couple of gay slobs over the years. But they can’t hold a candle to a straight guy. When they live alone, they have no taste for creating a comfortable environment whee=re they live. Their laundry probably hasn’t been done in weeks. Dressing means a sniff test. Which rarely passes, but they wear it anyway.
But the biggest question I have is, “Why do straight guys think we gays just want to get in their pants?” What is their obsession with butts and their terror that something is going into their butts? I don’t get it. First, they’re missing out on some really awesome fun. But why, with so many gay men around, would I want to violate a straight guy? Good god, boys, get a grip.
The very large majority of us want nothing to do with straight guys. We’ve been bullied by them all our lives. They grow up and try to get us arrested, eliminated through legislation and terroristic assaults. Some of them are admittedly pretty. But you, the gay guy, will always get stung if you touch. Stay away.
More quotes: “In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity,” said Albert Einstein, who is described in the notebook as a “German-American physicist and Nobel Prize winner.
Yes, the opportunity to fail or succeed. The opportunity to just roll with whatever result comes from the difficult moment.
Another quote: “Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest,” said Mark Twain, described simply and without excellence, as an “American writer.” I can get behind this one. Do the right thing is more important to me that doing what others perceive as the “excellent” or “best” thing.
It is good to do right. That’s all the best excellence I need.
I guess that’s the end of tonight’s stream of consciousness. As usual, drying up. And as usual, I suck.