Have no earthly idea why, but s I’m livebloggin’ this thing. You could encounter boredom and outrage and other acts of writing regurgitation.
17:36: After stomping down the field with run plays, Brady’s first pass is intercepted. Crap on a cracker.
17:39: Rams do nothing. Third and out. Juli’s punt return not great. Now for the usual over-hyped commercials.
17:41: Hulu smashes it outta the park with a Handmaid’s Tale ad throwing Reagan’s “Morning in America” barf campaign ad back in his face. Awesome.
17:47: Time out early, Pats. Neither team has calmed down from early hype. If NE can keep Brady on the field, they can wear out the Rams defense.
17:49: Turkish Airlines: A Ridley Scott film? Seriously?
17:50: Give Gronk ball. Gronk run. Run, Gronk, run. Gronk run 17 yards. Good Gronk, good.
17:52: Second Pats timeout? Whuh?
17:54: Weird social justice/Dr. King legacy/NFL trying to … blackwash (?!) their Kaepernick problems … without mentioning Kaepernick. Ridiculous.
17:56: Gostkowski … misses a field goal?! That’ll come back to haunt them.
18:03: Rams got nothin’ but a penalty. Brady coming out for third time from their 19.
18:07: Hogan drops a pass. Y’all need to settle down, boys.
18:08: Julian gets a good one.
18:09: What are you doing, Tom??!! Yeesh!
18:10: Go, Gronk, go!! Smash, Gronk, smash!
18:11: And they have to punt. Is this gonna be a boring one? Rams have 24 yards of offense and Tom has been kinda weak. End of first quarter. 0-0.
18:17: Rams still go nuthin’. Almost bobbled an interception, which would have been a touchdown.
18:21: Gronk catch, but Gronk short.
18:22: Go Juli! Go Juli! Awesome.
18:23: Tom misses Chris. Long third down.
18:24: Gronk get ball, but Gronk short again. Tom mad. Gostkowski redeems himself for the earlier miss? Yes! Finally points. 3-0, Pats. The ice breaker?
18:28: Rams are only running. Not far, but they’re running.
18:29: Jared finally tosses an 18-yarder. Should have been challenged. Where’s Bill’s head right now?
18:30: Rams stuffed on ground again. Good on yer, Pats defense. And they have to punt. Get your act together now, Tom!
18:31: Complete asshole/bro dipshit/douchy whiteboy commanding everything around him to respond to his commands because … he owns a Mercedes. A pox on thee, Mercedes, a pox.
18:40: Some things happened. The commercials are idiotic as always. I’m bored. Why do the Rams keep running the ball? Why don’t they let the Saints suit up and take over?
18:41: Goff just got smacked to the ground. Van Noy!!! Awesome. And then they punt. And here comes more insipidness. Every year, for the millions spent on these stupid ads, they could … end homelessness. Buy patients drugs they can’t afford. Ensure health care for millions. God.
18:47: Two-minute warning. Halftime. Which will be completely ignored. Maybe I’ll go scrub the toilet. That would be more fun.
18:49: Sarah Jessica Parker and Jeff Bridges doing a Stella Artois commercial with her flaunting big cleavage and him flaunting his ability to still remember his lines?
18:50: Mass confusion. Rams have 14? men on the field.
17:36: After stomping down the field with run plays, Brady’s first pass is intercepted. Crap on a cracker.
17:39: Rams do nothing. Third and out. Juli’s punt return not great. Now for the usual over-hyped commercials.
17:41: Hulu smashes it outta the park with a Handmaid’s Tale ad throwing Reagan’s “Morning in America” barf campaign ad back in his face. Awesome.
17:47: Time out early, Pats. Neither team has calmed down from early hype. If NE can keep Brady on the field, they can wear out the Rams defense.
17:49: Turkish Airlines: A Ridley Scott film? Seriously?
17:50: Give Gronk ball. Gronk run. Run, Gronk, run. Gronk run 17 yards. Good Gronk, good.
17:52: Second Pats timeout? Whuh?
17:54: Weird social justice/Dr. King legacy/NFL trying to … blackwash (?!) their Kaepernick problems … without mentioning Kaepernick. Ridiculous.
17:56: Gostkowski … misses a field goal?! That’ll come back to haunt them.
18:03: Rams got nothin’ but a penalty. Brady coming out for third time from their 19.
18:07: Hogan drops a pass. Y’all need to settle down, boys.
18:08: Julian gets a good one.
18:09: What are you doing, Tom??!! Yeesh!
18:10: Go, Gronk, go!! Smash, Gronk, smash!
18:11: And they have to punt. Is this gonna be a boring one? Rams have 24 yards of offense and Tom has been kinda weak. End of first quarter. 0-0.
18:17: Rams still go nuthin’. Almost bobbled an interception, which would have been a touchdown.
18:21: Gronk catch, but Gronk short.
18:22: Go Juli! Go Juli! Awesome.
18:23: Tom misses Chris. Long third down.
18:24: Gronk get ball, but Gronk short again. Tom mad. Gostkowski redeems himself for the earlier miss? Yes! Finally points. 3-0, Pats. The ice breaker?
18:28: Rams are only running. Not far, but they’re running.
18:29: Jared finally tosses an 18-yarder. Should have been challenged. Where’s Bill’s head right now?
18:30: Rams stuffed on ground again. Good on yer, Pats defense. And they have to punt. Get your act together now, Tom!
18:31: Complete asshole/bro dipshit/douchy whiteboy commanding everything around him to respond to his commands because … he owns a Mercedes. A pox on thee, Mercedes, a pox.
18:40: Some things happened. The commercials are idiotic as always. I’m bored. Why do the Rams keep running the ball? Why don’t they let the Saints suit up and take over?
18:41: Goff just got smacked to the ground. Van Noy!!! Awesome. And then they punt. And here comes more insipidness. Every year, for the millions spent on these stupid ads, they could … end homelessness. Buy patients drugs they can’t afford. Ensure health care for millions. God.
18:47: Two-minute warning. Halftime. Which will be completely ignored. Maybe I’ll go scrub the toilet. That would be more fun.
18:49: Sarah Jessica Parker and Jeff Bridges doing a Stella Artois commercial with her flaunting big cleavage and him flaunting his ability to still remember his lines?
18:50: Mass confusion. Rams have 14? men on the field.
18:53: Going for a fourth-and-one. And … Gronk can’t hold on, just past his fingertips. Rams ball. Damn.
18:55: But Goff bites the astroturf. Then fires a pass, but too little too late. Then hits the turf with a low pass. 28 seconds left. Rams do nothing, nothing, nothing. Six punts. This one downed at Pats two, but the half is 16 seconds away. Don’t do something stupid here.
18:57: And here’s the half. Second lowest scoring Stupor Bowl in history. Stadium sounds like there’s no one in it.
19:18: Is this stupid halftime thing over yet?
19:23: ADT and Property Brothers threatening us that we’re gonna see a lot more of them. Please God, no.
19:29: Kick the ball and let’s get this thing going.
19:30: Goff passes right to … Highland, a New England defender, who can’t hold on to the ball. Then somebody runs. It’s pretty much the first half again.
19:32: Injury. And a guy in what looks like purple eyeshadow says something about Belicheck not saying anything of substance. Then a stupid ad with a kid being exploited to sell South Korean cars made in Georgia.
19:35: Broken arm. Gets the biggest crowd reaction yet. Bloodthirsty buggers down there in Atlanta.
19:37: Goff heads for the bench again. Pats getting the punt. Go Juli. He has more yards gained than the entire Rams offense.
19:38: Tom calls “Reagan! Reagan!” It’s a run to the right. Like Reagan, overblown.
19:40: Julian takes a pass and gets 37 yards. Woooooot! Julian MVP? He has 120+ yards, so why not?
19:43: And they have to punt. <sigh>
19:46: Rams in the hole, get a penalty.
19:47: Am I the only one bugged that the navy blue on the Rams’ helmets doesn’t match the blue on their jerseys? And Goff almost gets a safety. And they make their eighth punt. But it’s a 65-yarder … longest punt in Stupor Bowl history. It’s a dubious achievement, but there it is.
19:48: More feel gooding, this time first responders get their due in order to be exploited by those assholes at Verizon. Love first responders, Verizon can bite me.
19:56: We popped over to the Puppy Bowl in time for some nauseating exploitation. But I hope it helps some puppies.
19:57: Fourth first down? They’re showing signs of life? And Romo is a totally sarcastic smartass. And the Rams get one more first down.
20:02: Suddenly Rams show a spark. But McCordy smacks the ball outta the hands of the Rams receiver in the end zone. Frustration on the sidelines.
20:03: Goff gets totally snuffed into the turf. Bam! From Hightower.
20:04: Rams get a long field goal. It’s 3-3. How thrilling. First 50+-yard field goal in 15 years.
20:08: Holding on the Rams.
20:10: And three quarters are gone. 3-3 at 53.
20:13: First Stupor Bowl ever where there hasn’t been a touchdown in three quarters. And then Tom hits the turf. And they punt.
20:16: Goff flubs it and marches 5 yards back.
20:18: 12:23 to go and Pats take timeout. Please God don’t send us to overtime.
20:22: Goff gets plowed into the turf again. Flag on field: Holding, Pats. Geez, boys.
20:24: Holding on the Rams.
20:26: Goff gets bowled into the sideline spectators. Then a pass that was nothing.
20:28: Burger King digs up Andy Warhol’s corpse to flog whoppers. Now it’s folk songs calling for communist overthrow being used to flog beer.
20:29: All Pats Super Bowls decided in last three minutes and by small number of points. Yup. Go Gronk go!!!!
20:31: Julian’s 10th catch. Nice.
20:32: GRONK GRONK GRONK!!!! Will we finally get a TD in this game?
20:33: PATRIOTS SCORE TD FINALLY!!!!! WOOOOOT! Thank you Gronk! 10-3. Whew.
20:35: Not amusing Amazon commercial. Cripes.
20:36: Okay, you got 7 minutes to go boys. Do it.
20:41: Thank God. Some Rams things happened then a beautiful interception. Pats defense should be MVPs!
20:45: 26 yards gets them some space. Plus illegal use of hands by the Rams.
20:47: Some confusion over time. Time out LA.
20:48: 26 yards by Burkette. Yes!
20:50: Two Patriots penalties?! Justified, I’m afraid. Calm down.
20:51: Belicheck is MADDDDDDDD. No one knows what happened. Two minute warning!
20:55: Washington Post “Democracy Dies in Darkness” ad. Hmmmmm. You should have given murdered and threatened journalists much more airplay. But it’s a start.
20:58: Gostkowski wins the Stupor Bowl for the Pats. Good on ya boys!
21:00: Here’s the last minute. Rams’ last gasp.
21:03: 48 yard field goal try, but won’t work. It’s wide left. Brady and company celebrating.
21:04: Kneel down, Tom. And congrats. That’s the ol’ ball game.
21:09: Madness on field. MVP should be Juli. And it is.
21:26: Finally the trophy. Yeesh. Belicheck is touching a child. Wow.
21:30: Juli’s kind of a goober like Tom. But congrats to his … amazing game. And I’m out. Night!
[Text by Steve. Photo by Nathan Gonthier on Unsplash. ]
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